THE ‘KIND OF ME’

To begin with, when I had the opportunity to tell you frankly of what I really feel for you, I ended up getting tongue-tied. No tongue twister could ever help me on this but only this slip of page that would tell my feelings for you.

I must admit, I was just creating meaning out of those actions you made: From those services you offered as members of the crew of the catering service, from those smiles you gave when you saw me walking along the aisle of the building, from those glances you made, and from those whereabouts you asked me about the seminar in which I was one of the staffs. Out from those meanings I made from your actions is where I have heightened my feelings for you. My feelings might be complicated, but I have embraced the truth that we can never be together even a second.

I remember the first time I saw you in the six-day seminar. You were at the side of the table where the foods were placed. Your immediate superior instructed you to serve us the food: a cup of ice tea, pancit, and one loaf of toasted bread with margarine. I am near sighted, so looking at you so closely made me more convinced that I have seen a nice view in the seminar. Out of thirst (thirst on other matter, perhaps), I drink all the tea and you asked me if I still want more (our very first exclusive conversation). So, who am I to deny the offer? Who am I to ignore you, for you possess the manly figure that is so dainty to look?

You usually wear the white polo shirt that fits your well-toned body, and the skinny jeans that show the masculinity of your legs. I couldn’t even help to take a glance of your perfect visage. Your eyes have perfect shape specially when you exude that sweet smile of yours. Your moreno complexion gives you a more appealing looks. You may not notice how much I adore you every time I see in the seminar, but deep within me, I need a huge dosage of tranquilizer to mollify me.

I don’t have any courage to confront you that I am attracted to you although few of my closest colleagues know my feelings for you. I don’t get used of showing my feelings to others, may it be just a crush or more than that. That time, I know that I was just physically attracted to you. I know that many other people of my same feather would feel the same thing too for you possess good and very appealing look.

I am not confident that you will like me as well should I have taken any courage to tell you my feelings. I already accepted the fact that straight guy like you will not be attracted to the kind of me. I don’t have anything for you to like me. I may be professional, had earned higher degrees of education, and educated from various schools, I am sure that you would still prefer a woman than the kind of me despite my background and achievements in life. On the first place, I could not bear a child. I could not make you feel that you are a real man because of the judgement of the society. And basically, you would still consider your physiological needs that the kind of me could not make you fully satisfied. I have neither a womb nor vagina. Although there is another option, perhaps, that is to give you a pocket satisfaction by being generous to you financially. The latter is an inevitable truth that although has not yet fully accepted by our society, yet has been fully embraced by many for some practical reason. But for me? I don’t regret that I am prone to attempt of doing that, but I let my rational being to dictate me not to do such.

To attain satisfaction for my own purpose by having a remembrance with you, I promised myself to have a picture with you before the seminar ended. I don’t know where I got that courage to do so because again, I don’t usually do that.

And here what was plotted to achieve this goal: I told you that I needed a documentation of the catering service for the completion report of the seminar. For it not to become obvious, I told you to call the other waiters to act like they were serving us. For the climax of the plot, I asked you if we could have picture together. To cut the story short, I succeeded. Honestly, my hands were trembling while I was doing the act. Right after that, I heard that you and the other waiters were teasing. I ignored that. I knew then on the photo opportunity with you, you realized that I have a crush on you.

But you know what, as one of my colleagues once told me, you were lucky for a professional like me fall for you. I don’t know if the statement of my colleague would make you proud, but for me this feeling of mine for you will be treasured. You might be an unreachable dream, but I am happy that once again I have proven myself that the kind of me deserves to love, and hopefully to be loved—as in genuinely.

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